Fear.

Sometimes blogging is hard.

I have all these profound thoughts rolling around in my head and then when I try to type them out it ends up sounding like a third grader trying to teach theology. But I'm going to give it my best shot today.

I spent the week between Christmas and New Year's in Denver, CO with Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) at their annual regional conference. DCC, Denver Christmas Conference, brings together 1,000+ college students for a week of teaching, worship, breakout sessions, outreach, and discipleship. As someone who doesn't often interact with people my own age, this week was a great break and refresher before jumping in to 2015.

We had the privilege of hearing from Libby Swenson, who works in conjuction with Cru and the International Justice Mission. She said something that I wrote down and then dismissed, but it would later come to my mind throughout the week.

"Satan wants us to believe God is not good and God is not in control."

Duh, Emilee. That's basically the whole concept of Satan. God good, Satan bad. Got it.

I've always understood that Satan tempts us to sin blah blah blah *insert churchy statement here*.

But it never in a millions years occurred to me that in my own personal life, Satan was using my love of control to skew my view of God's goodness.

I, your resident control freak, felt abandoned when the Lord wrestled my "control" away from me by throwing me some big curveballs in life. Instead of recognizing that HELLO God is in control, I lived in constant fear of losing control.

"You are not being forgotten, you are being redeemed." -Paul Tripp

In the future I will affectionately refer to this quote as 'the time Paul Tripp smacked me in the face with the Gospel'. I mean seriously, this quote rocked my world.

God is not forgetting me when He removes my false sense of control, He is redeeming me from idolizing being in control. 

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7

While I am still figuring out how to live out this truth, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will take what Satan meant for evil and use it for good.

Random.

My poor brain is too tired to write a coherent post on anything of importance right now, so please enjoy these weird bits of rambling from my brain…

Winter Retreat

This is our biggest winter event, by far. This will also be the first event I have ever planned, sort of on my own, as a staff member at Ridgecrest. AGH. Sure I've helped planned parts of events in the past and done things like help with Check-In, but never have I ever planned a whole event. 

For like, 90 students. 

As much planning and reserving and buying as there is to do, I'm really, really excited for this event. 

I'm also ready for it to be here, because I'm impatient like that. 

Postseason Baseball

The only color I see during the month of October is red. 

Cardinal red, to be exact. 

My house is a house divided in the sense that while I cheer on God's team (the Cardinals), my father is a diehard KC Royals fan. I'm excited for Royals fans to get a taste of October. Hopefully they'll be back again sooner than 29 years…

HOCKEY

I realize I may seem a little sports-obssesed, and that's because I am. 

While baseball is exciting and all, hockey is almost here! 

The Blues first regular season game is Thursday, and you already know it's going to be like 

Super Bowl Sunday in my house. Cheese dip, chips, cookies…

Along that note, I'm so stoked to be headed to Scottrade on November 1st to see the Blues face the Rangers. This is also my birthday, so I'm expecting a win, boys. 

High School Football

No, I'm not going to talk about every single sport in this post. However, this one is important. There's a not-so-friendly rivalry between two towns here in SWMO. The Nixa Eagles and the Ozark Tigers play in the Backyard Brawl each year for bragging rights…and also to raise money for charity. As a member and former student (for a year) at Nixa, I was more than pleased when the Eagles STOMPED the Tigers in a 38-0 game on Friday night. I forgot how much I love a good rivalry (when we win). 

Crowder & ASAD

I got the chance to see the very first night of the Neon Steeple tour here in Springfield a week ago. David Crowder, along with All Sons And Daughters, brought the house down with worship. 

Seriously it was the best show I've ever been to, hands down. 

Check out their music if you want your socks blown off. 

Sleep

I need more of this. Extra innings baseball games are interfering with this. This is good. 

I'll be back next week with hopefully a more spiritually insightful post, but no promises. 

Have a great week, and GO CARDS! 

Change.

LIFE UPDATES AHEAD

Whew.

That sums up the past two months of my life pretty well. 

If you know me at all, you know my natural tendency is to need to plan everything and be in control. 

And you know that The Good Lord likes to frequently remind me that He is actually in control by flipping my life around more times than Aunt Jemima flipped pancakes. 

This past summer was no different.

Emilee's Plan for Life

-Work 15 hours as a summer intern at RBC

-Also work part-time at Johnny Mac's

-Move in to a ministry house and be on leadership

-Spend plenty of time relaxing, because it's summer

-Take classes in the fall

-Be happy

God's Plan for Emilee's Life

-Quit your second job and work 25 hours a week at RBC on a 3-person staff

-Try to do ministry at your job and at your house

-Move up to 30 hours a week for a year at RBC on a now 2-person staff

-Don't take classes

-Move up to 40 hours a week and a Student Associate position on a 1-person staff

-That 1 person is you; good luck

-Move out of your ministry house

-Move back in with your parents

-Be joyful AND happy 

In the past month our student ministry has gone from being made up of a Student Pastor, a Student Associate, and a Student Intern (me), to being just a Student Associate (now me). 

This has been chaotic and stressful, but The Lord has used this time to bring an old truth into new perspective for me: My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness.

And oh boy is there weakness, but that is okay. Because not only does He bend down to hear me cry, He wipes my tears away, picks me up, and says "I will show you where to go."

Wow. 

I do not always handle change gracefully. In fact, I handle change like Kim Kardashian cries: ugly. 

It normally happens in one of two ways.

The first is an initial outburst, and then bitterness.

I will FREAK OUT.

And then when I'm done doing that, I grow bitter and angry and selfish.

"Why me?"

"Why this?"

"Whywhywhywhy?"

OR

I bottle it up and shut down. I refuse to let anyone see how deeply I hurt or how much it affects me. 

I paste a smile on my face and go about my day. 

Then because I do this, I tend to snap more easily at really stupid things.

"Emilee can you--"

"OH MY WORD CAN I NOT JUST HAVE A MINUTE TO SIT DOWN?!"

Maybe that's a little overdramatic, but you get the idea. 

However, this past month I've discovered a third, and much preferred option for dealing with change. 

Trust God.

DUH.

Right? I've known this is the right choice my whole entire life. Growing up in a Christian environment you learn the lingo like you learn how to walk. But after time, just like knowing how to walk, you don't even know that you know it anymore. 

Saying "I'm trusting God" or "He's in control" is second nature.

But does the action always follow the words?

Obviously not.

In my short 19 years of life I have trusted God with a lot of things.

But they were always things for other people.

I'm trusting God that He will heal *insert family member*.

I'm trusting God that He will provide for  *insert person*.

I'm trusting God that He will *fill in the blank*

All of these things affected me, but they weren't mine.

And this was.

This was my job.

This was my church family.

This was my future. 

And I had to trust. 

I work with the best students and parents in the world. Maybe I'm a bit biased. 

In the past two weeks I have seen them step up in huge ways.

They refuse to give up or give in.

They are taking ownership of their faith and of the ministry. 

I still occasionally check over my shoulder and expect Ashton Kutcher to be standing there with a cameraman telling me I'm on Punk'd, because I can't really believe that I actually get to do what I love as my job. 

I know that was a really long, scattered post, but it's my heart. 

And I promise I'll blog more often. It might now be long or insightful, but I'll be here. 

If you feel inclined to do so, please pray for rbcstudents. For the students, for the ministry, and for the future. We have some long days ahead, but we're not giving up. 

Remember.

For the past 12 months, I have been processing various, big changes in my life. Apparently those happen when you start college. I knew at the beginning of last summer that the Lord was stirring something in my heart, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I thought maybe I was just excited to be done with high school and starting college, or I was excited to be volunteering at RBC, but I knew that whatever it was, it was going to be big.

Exactly one year ago today I embarked on the single greatest journey of my short life. I had my suitcase packed and weighed, my flight schedule memorized, and had said all of my goodbyes. The only thing left was for me to be radically changed by the week I was going to experience.

Not many people are very impressed when you tell them you are taking a mission trip to Naples, Italy. Tell them you're going to Africa or China or El Salvador, and they'll give you money like it grows on trees, because these places are famous for being poverty-stricken and in need of Jesus. All of this is very true, and there are so many people who are called to serve in these places and are more than willing to go. However, what most people fail to realize is that people who drive luxury cars need Jesus just as much as someone who lives in a dump. Oftentimes there is more of a barrier in countries that are well off, because the very idea of Christianity is giving up your life to follow Christ. This is a difficult concept to grasp for those who are materially wealthy.

Throughout my week in Naples, I did not feed hungry children, I did not weep with widows, and I did not build houses for the homeless.

What I did, was encounter was a city full of hearts hardened towards the Gospel, a city where churches lock their doors because no one attends anymore, a city where a religious tradition takes precedence over a relationship with God. Naples is a spiritually stale city that is forgotten by the majority of the Church, because people are not suffering physically or financially.

Missionary work there is hard. Few people are in a desperate enough place to renounce the family religion and accept Christianity. You don't see immediate results because you spend long periods of time building relationships and planting seeds. Even in the short week that I was there, I experienced the frustration of not seeing your work come to fruition immediately.

I also experienced how completely wonderful the people of Naples are, and how much they love life and love one another. They take life at a totally different pace, and with a totally different attitude. These people, who don't know the love of Jesus, are living daily with a better attitude than me, someone who has the hope and love of Christ inside of her. It makes me so excited to think about what would happened if revival were to break out in Naples. If people can love that big while they're lost, imagine how big they could love if they knew Jesus.

I am still processing the impact that Naples had on my heart and on my plans for the future. That trip completely changed my outlook on foreign missions and dug up a desire in my heart to be a part of ministering to the overlooked and forgotten.

To say that what the Lord started in my heart last year in Naples was big would be a gross understatement. I still don't think I have completely grasped just how much He has been working in me and in the city of Naples.

Thanks for reading a little bit of what has been happening in my life in the past year.

Ciao!

| Forest |

This semester it's been hard for me to see the forest because of all the trees. 

I'm a very detail-oriented person, though you couldn't tell by the state of my bedroom, and it's easy for me to get caught up in the "duties" of life. 

School, homework, work, church, friends, boyfriend, moving out, etc. 

All of these things can quickly become burdens for me. I let the details guide the big picture instead of letting the big picture guide the details. 

"If I don't do my homework then I'll get a bad grade. If I get a bad grade, I'll fail college. If I fail college, I'll never be able to support myself. If I can't support myself, then I'll die."

Maybe that's a little over-dramatic, but it's a very real way that my brain processes details. 

Instead, I should be asking "what is the bigger picture for my life?"

The answer?

Bringing glory to Christ. 

I want to start letting that goal determine how I handle my details. What good does a college degree do for me if I am not displaying my love for Jesus? Nothing. 

"If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:3 ESV)

The bigger picture cannot exist without the details of course, but a tree cannot stand alone and claim to be part of a forest. 

This summer I want to let the details be handled by the biproduct of the glorification of Christ. 

Love people. Love Jesus. Love the big picture. 

13 In '13

This is one of those cheesy "13 things I learned in 2013" posts. I know its cliché, but I really did learn a lot of things this past year. 2013 gave me some of the best moments of my life, but there were also some hard learned lessons.

1. Makeup does not equal beauty.
2. Stick to your morals.
3. Gods timing is ALWAYS perfect.
4. There is more to the world than Springfield, Missouri.
5. Life goes on after high school.
6. Finding a core group of friends is important.
7. Find a place of rest, and visit it frequently.
8. Singleness is not a disease, and convenient relationships are not the cure.
9. Spiritual community is essential to a walk with Christ.
10. Home is not a place.
11. Always have a nice dress on hand.
12. Packing is a skill worth developing.
13. Jesus is the ONLY thing you will ever need.

I hope 2013 was a great year for you, but here's to hoping that 2014 is the best one yet!

Semester.

Well, I'm officially done with my first semester of college! Its weird to think about how fast the past few months have flown by. There have been rough patches, but also some of the best moments of my life so far. The actual school part of this first semester wasn't difficult, but lots of things change when you start college.

I have always been deeply involved in my church's student ministry, so moving to the college group was a little nerve-wracking. Little did I know that in that group I would find some amazing, lifelong friends. They love me and support me every time we talk. The college pastors parents have a Bible study type meeting at their house every Sunday night, and it has made a huge impact on my faith. I always leave with a deeper understanding of who God is and how He is moving in the world right nos. It's been such a blessing to dig in to the Word with people going through the same parts of life as I am.

The Lord has been moving in my heart in a big way, and has provided an amazing opportunity for ministry on my own campus. At the beginning of the semester my friend, Hannah, contacted me about a campus ministry branch that she was starting. I have known Hannah since about the fifth grade, but hadn't seen her in almost four years, so when she called me and asked me to help, I was excited. Chi Alpha is a huge campus ministry all over the United States, and Hannah was starting a chapter on our campus. Because of my work schedule, I wasn't able to attend the meetings as often as I wanted, but Hannah and I were able to meet up a few times over the course of the semester and just talk about life. I LOVE seeing the work that the Lord is doing in and through her. She is transferring schools for the spring semester, and she asked me to take over Chi Alpha. While I was nervous at first, I am so excited for this opportunity. I know that God is going  to stretch me and challenge me in big ways through this ministry, but I'm ready and willing to see what He has in store.

Finally, I have learned the power and the importance of prayer. Being able to lift others up to the Lord in prayer I incredible, and knowing that others are doing the same for you is so impactful. I would love for you to join me in praying for a few things...

-Our student pastor, Joe, had his colon removed this past week, and it was a pretty extensive surgery. He has had a rough few days lately, but seems to be on the mend. Will you  pray for continued healing for him, as well as for peace for his wife Renée and their kids?

-My church is currently seeking a new senior pastor. Our current, and founding, senior pastor will retire in August of this next year. Please pray for the Lord to bring the right candidate to our search committee, and that they would be playful and discerning in making this decision.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Thanks.

Instead of obnoxiously posting what I'm thankful for on Facebook each day, I'm just going to post an obnoxiously long blog post. 

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. The Lord has taught me so much and blessed me so greatly in the past year. 

Things I'm thankful for include:

-A Savior who died for my sins and rose for my soul

-Family that is crazy but awesome

-Friends that are willing to laugh, cry, and live life with me

-Friends in different states

-A church family that unashamedly preaches the truth and challenges me in my faith 

-A house that provides shelter 

-A closet full of clothes 

-A truck that gets me where I need to go 

-A job that I like

-Coworkers that I love

-Travel 

-An education 

-Clean water

-Plenty of food 

-Savings accounts

-Technology 

-Singleness

-Patience

-Love

The last year of my life has been filled with ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am eternally thankful for the people who invest in me and teach me to be a strong woman of Christ. 

If you're reading this, I am thankful for YOU, yes you. Have a blessed Thanksgiving, and tell someone how thankful you are for them today. 

Victim // A Poem

The latest pen to paper creation:

Smashed, bruised, and shattered

This once whole heart now torn and tattered

I failed and let the enemy in

Worthless, ugly, unwanted

So called truths about me and my sin

Each shard pointed at a fragile heart

Thrown by a deceptive hand

Ready to pierce every vulnerable part 

But with mercy my Savior covers it all

He looks not on my sin

And stands when I fall

On a cross His one Son took my own place

Dismissed all my sin

Now I'm a victim of grace 

Heartsick // Homesick

I am missing this place desperately today. My heart is torn in two: one half is with the people of Napoli and the other half is here in Missouri.I'll blog about Italy more soon.

Why Women Are Killing Chivalry

"Chivalry is dead." 

How many times have you heard this phrase? 

As a young woman growing up in a feministic society, I've heard it plenty of times. In fact, it's been engrained in my brain. That simple phrase slips out of my mouth when a guy fails to open the car door for me or takes the recliner during movie night while I am stuck on the floor. This seemingly harmless phrase has been bouncing around in my head over the summer as I have dug deeper into the meaning of being a true woman of Christ and finding a Godly man. 

The Christian side of us begs for a man who is going to open the car door and let us have the recliner. We recognize that we are daughters of the King and deserve to be treated with respect. However, society's fascination with feminism has wrecked our view of chivalry. We are now annoyed when he opens the car door for us because "does he really think I can't do that myself?", and we begin to confuse attempted chivalry with the implications that we are incapable of completing such tasks ourselves. 

I know a couple who broke up recently after dating for five months or so. The girl said she was annoyed with the way he was always trying to do stuff for her because she is "an independent woman". 

Wait, you broke up with a guy because he was being too nice to you? 

No wonder guys are confused about what girls want in a relationship. We demand chivalry and then express our annoyance at it when it is displayed because we insist on being strong, self-sufficient women. 

If someone you love is constantly getting annoyed or frustrated by something you do, don't you eventually stop doing it? Chivalry isn't dead; it's simply hidden in the hearts of men who have been consistently rejected by "independent" women. 

Ladies, let him open the car door for you isn't going to take away your independence or identity. It's simply a small way for him to show you he cares. 

Men, don't be afraid to show us you care. When you find the right girl, she won't be scared away by acts of chivalry, but will cherish them instead. 

Hole // Whole

I attended a campus ministry a few nights ago at Missouri State University.The speaker talked about how we are caught in this endless cycle of desire, anticipation, and then disappointment. The world promises us that what it gives us will make us whole, when in reality, it just leaves us with a hole. We will never be able to satisfy God-given desires with man-made solutions. Until we come to realize that true wholeness is found in Christ, we will be digging holes within ourselves for the rest of our lives. We can only be completed by the One who created us. Only He knows us intimately enough to fulfill our deepest desires and cravings. We just must seek Him first.

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4


*Sorry this post is so short; I'm running out the door for work*

New.

There has been a lot of newness in my life lately.

New school, new friends, new small group, etc.

College is all about newness, so I figured why not start a new blog to chronicle all the newness?

I'm hoping to use this as a place to keep all of my sporadic spiritual thoughts, humorous stories (I'm sure there will be plenty), and random collegiate ramblings.

So, for my first post, I decided to share my (and Jesus') thoughts on all things new.

I used to have a crippling fear of change, but a deep desire for something new. Those two things don't coexist very well. I wanted desperately a new adventure or conquest, but anytime something in my world shifted, I ran. I ran and hid and said, "But God, I really like my boring, safe little life."

Then about six months ago, when I was prepping for a mission trip to Italy, I came across this verse:

¹⁹ "For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." -Isaiah 43:19

Well then. Talk about a slap in the face. 

See, my boring, safe little life was not glorifying to God. My complacency was holding me back from living out Gods call on my life. 

Change is a natural part of life, and we as followers of Christ should not only recognize that but boldly embrace it. Jesus doesn't call us to "stay" and make disciples, He calls us to "go". When change occurs, we are pulled out of our comfort zone, and that's where the Lord tends to work the most in us and through us. 

Now when change comes, I don't run and hide. I stand before the King and say, "I'm ready for whatever opportunities are before me. Use me." 

The next time change starts to happen in your life, will you run away, or will you embrace it and realize that it's there for a reason?